If Operating Systems Were Beers...
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in
an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep
drinking it after it's no longer available.
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list
is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told
that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag
your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like
Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it
allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality
you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you
are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently
no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but
somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you openthem,
even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer,
but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9
million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and
claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes
more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will
probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try
Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you
look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in
DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely
Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The
can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to
change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows95
beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and
suggested only for use in bars.
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64oz.
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they
claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes
the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have
your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you
either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been
drinking Unix Beer for several years.
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by
some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer
never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't
understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely
loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in
32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy
and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it
appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for
watching TV anyway.
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development
environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients,
you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the
manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the
Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have
actually seen it.
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