1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
   of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either
   -- leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
   and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
   your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't
   be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
   as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
    qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
    couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
    shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away
    and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
    to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again,
    it was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
    comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
    and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

25. Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side & a dark
    side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women.  Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Back to John Miller's Humor Page